Snow
flakes fall down silently.
Children
already drew 2003 in the thin snow layer on the cars.
already drew 2003 in the thin snow layer on the cars.
The
kiosk at the corner lightens the Art Nouveau facades.
kiosk at the corner lightens the Art Nouveau facades.
No one
around.
around.
She
likes this atmosphere.
likes this atmosphere.
What
she doesn’t like is to dip into a group of happy couples.
she doesn’t like is to dip into a group of happy couples.
„But
you can’t stay at home alone!“ the hostess almost had whined
through the earphone.
In
this moment she had laughed.
this moment she had laughed.
But
suddenly doubts rose and yesterday she gave in.
suddenly doubts rose and yesterday she gave in.
Her
high heels rhythmically break the silence. She identifies the correct
entrance by the squeaking gateway. Jazz chops gently through the
stairwell.
high heels rhythmically break the silence. She identifies the correct
entrance by the squeaking gateway. Jazz chops gently through the
stairwell.
Four
stories and one extra.
stories and one extra.
Everytime
she thinks that she has arrived, she finds that she has further to
go.
she thinks that she has arrived, she finds that she has further to
go.
Three
couples and her, who sometimes is a couple and sometimes not.
couples and her, who sometimes is a couple and sometimes not.
And a
night lasting at least until midnight.
night lasting at least until midnight.
„Hi
Carina, adornment of our night.“ the host smiles.
Carina, adornment of our night.“ the host smiles.
She
keeps standing indeterminedly in the dusky hallway while the host
stores her coat in the wardrobe.
keeps standing indeterminedly in the dusky hallway while the host
stores her coat in the wardrobe.
The
women are busy in the narrow kitchen.
women are busy in the narrow kitchen.
Mumble
and laugther comes out of the brightened room.
and laugther comes out of the brightened room.
She’s
relieved that no other person would fit in there.
relieved that no other person would fit in there.
She
sleeks her halfopened blouse and resolutely enters the living room.
sleeks her halfopened blouse and resolutely enters the living room.
„Hello,
I’m Carina.“
I’m Carina.“
„Frank“.
The taller one shakes her hand energetically. His eyes scan her
neckline for a second. What could have stayed unnoticed if it
wouldn’t result in a small smile.
The taller one shakes her hand energetically. His eyes scan her
neckline for a second. What could have stayed unnoticed if it
wouldn’t result in a small smile.
„And
my name is Udo.“
my name is Udo.“
A
clammy hand keeps lying in hers.
clammy hand keeps lying in hers.
Disgust
rises.
rises.
And a
picture of uncontrolled body hairiness.
picture of uncontrolled body hairiness.
While
Frank reminds of his existence with a joke, her eyes are forced into
Udos collar.
Frank reminds of his existence with a joke, her eyes are forced into
Udos collar.
And
there they are: long black hair growing out of milky white skin.
there they are: long black hair growing out of milky white skin.
When
rising his glas a shiny gold ring sparkles.
rising his glas a shiny gold ring sparkles.
Some
women stop at nothing she wonders.
women stop at nothing she wonders.
Frank
opens with the typical Frankfurt questions:
opens with the typical Frankfurt questions:
„For
which bank to you work? None? Then you’re consultant! Let me guess:
McKinsey? Would fit you!“
which bank to you work? None? Then you’re consultant! Let me guess:
McKinsey? Would fit you!“
He
regards this as a compliment.
regards this as a compliment.
„Lufthansa.“
„Aaaah.“
Enthusiams enters his face.
Enthusiams enters his face.
„So
you’re a flight attendant. Tall, blond…“
you’re a flight attendant. Tall, blond…“
He
takes her rosen eyebrow as an invitation to go on babbling.
takes her rosen eyebrow as an invitation to go on babbling.
She’s
tired of explaining to guys like him that an airline offers a lot of
other jobs, too.
tired of explaining to guys like him that an airline offers a lot of
other jobs, too.
„Darling,
can you help me in the kitchen?“
can you help me in the kitchen?“
A
threatening flattering female voice nears from behind.
threatening flattering female voice nears from behind.
„I’m
Manon.“
Manon.“
The
attractive blond directly fixes her eyes. „His wife.“
attractive blond directly fixes her eyes. „His wife.“
Calm
down, Carina thinks, and smiles back.
down, Carina thinks, and smiles back.
Will
she also will react like this in some years when more wrinkles than
men populate her life?
she also will react like this in some years when more wrinkles than
men populate her life?
The
hostess, an investment banker, shows up in the doorframe and asks to
take a seat.
hostess, an investment banker, shows up in the doorframe and asks to
take a seat.
A big
belly follows carried by a midsize woman. The hand holding the salad
bowl is marked by a new gold ring.
belly follows carried by a midsize woman. The hand holding the salad
bowl is marked by a new gold ring.
So
that’s her. The woman married with the hairy man.
that’s her. The woman married with the hairy man.
And
obviously also has sex.
obviously also has sex.
The
table is squarish. For three couples and her.
table is squarish. For three couples and her.
When
Frank enters the place beside her with demonstrative uninvolved face
she senses the others’ views.
Frank enters the place beside her with demonstrative uninvolved face
she senses the others’ views.
Suddenly
she wishes to have a partner, too.
For
the symmetry and more.
she wishes to have a partner, too.
For
the symmetry and more.
Maybe
these are the situations that make people stay a couple.
these are the situations that make people stay a couple.
„We
haven’t been introduced yet.“ she says to the pregnant woman. „I’m
Carina.“
haven’t been introduced yet.“ she says to the pregnant woman. „I’m
Carina.“
„I’m
Sybille and he doesn’t have a name yet.“
Sybille and he doesn’t have a name yet.“
She
tips on the huge belly that expands the clear white shirt.
tips on the huge belly that expands the clear white shirt.
„How
long to go?“
long to go?“
„I’m
in the 35th week.“
in the 35th week.“
Carina
smiles.
smiles.
The
weekly count keeps a mystery to her. But she’s not in the mood to ask
again.
weekly count keeps a mystery to her. But she’s not in the mood to ask
again.
Quickly
she reaches for the salad and offers it to Sybille.
she reaches for the salad and offers it to Sybille.
Sybille
meanwhile examines Carinas slim waistline and sees the male eyes
following it.
meanwhile examines Carinas slim waistline and sees the male eyes
following it.
Long
time ago she also has been good-looking.
time ago she also has been good-looking.
Now
she sees into neutral eyes only.
she sees into neutral eyes only.
These
damn neutral eyes!
damn neutral eyes!
Men
look at her as if she would be a traffic sign.
look at her as if she would be a traffic sign.
Even
her husband avoids to break into the aura of motherhood.
her husband avoids to break into the aura of motherhood.
Just
once he had dared to. 35 weeks ago.
once he had dared to. 35 weeks ago.
She
started to feel more and more lonely. What did she expect of an own
family?
started to feel more and more lonely. What did she expect of an own
family?
She
tries to catch her husbands eyes, but he frowns to Frank and Carina,
who vividly talk about travelling to Africa.
tries to catch her husbands eyes, but he frowns to Frank and Carina,
who vividly talk about travelling to Africa.
Manon
sits beside them in silence. Her high cheeks, blushed by Chanel
powder, flatter.
sits beside them in silence. Her high cheeks, blushed by Chanel
powder, flatter.
With
little contempt in her face she grabs the bowl with tiramisu.
little contempt in her face she grabs the bowl with tiramisu.
„Probably
you’re just too thin“, the fatherly gynaecologist had answered her
desperate question.
you’re just too thin“, the fatherly gynaecologist had answered her
desperate question.
„When
I’m fat, my husband won’t sleep with me. That will result in the
same.“, she snarled at him.
I’m fat, my husband won’t sleep with me. That will result in the
same.“, she snarled at him.
The
mushy coffee-cream fills her mouth.
mushy coffee-cream fills her mouth.
She
needs a while to force herself to swallow, so that the muddy clump
already is warm, when it squeezes through her gullet.
needs a while to force herself to swallow, so that the muddy clump
already is warm, when it squeezes through her gullet.
„Why
is she already making such a face again“, Frank thinks after a
short side glance to his wife.
is she already making such a face again“, Frank thinks after a
short side glance to his wife.
„I
can’t stand her jealousy anymore.“
can’t stand her jealousy anymore.“
Defiantly
he turns back to Carina.
he turns back to Carina.
She
had used the pause to disappear to the bathroom.
had used the pause to disappear to the bathroom.
He
takes a mouthful of the Chablis.
takes a mouthful of the Chablis.
The
lady’s man, the host thinks witnessing Frank. I never dared to hit on
girls. But why? It’s nice with her. Even after eleven years.“
lady’s man, the host thinks witnessing Frank. I never dared to hit on
girls. But why? It’s nice with her. Even after eleven years.“
He
lays back in his chair and satisfied watches his partner.
lays back in his chair and satisfied watches his partner.
Her
long brown hair hugs her open face. She feels his eyes on her.
long brown hair hugs her open face. She feels his eyes on her.
„Did
I still forget something in the kitchen?“
I still forget something in the kitchen?“
The
hours go by. The six unpack their schooldays memories.
hours go by. The six unpack their schooldays memories.
Cheap
mopeds grow to Harleys, Aldi wine to Vodka.
mopeds grow to Harleys, Aldi wine to Vodka.
With
their smalltown-revolution in mind they prepare for the pop of
champagne corks.
their smalltown-revolution in mind they prepare for the pop of
champagne corks.
„Wow,
we’ve been quite wild“, Frank closes his stories and
absent-mindedly pets the edge of his wine glass.
we’ve been quite wild“, Frank closes his stories and
absent-mindedly pets the edge of his wine glass.
When
the couples hug each other at midnight, Carina doesn’t know if she
envies them.
the couples hug each other at midnight, Carina doesn’t know if she
envies them.
She
doesn’t know what she wants at all.
doesn’t know what she wants at all.
Just
getting rid of the emptiness in her heart.
getting rid of the emptiness in her heart.
Unrestingly
she hovers through the years, trying to find the missing puzzle-peace
in her soul.
she hovers through the years, trying to find the missing puzzle-peace
in her soul.
Sometimes
with the warmth of another body close to her she senses what’s
missing.
with the warmth of another body close to her she senses what’s
missing.
At the
table they talk about house-savings and that town houses in
Hattersheim have a better connection to the Kindergarten.
table they talk about house-savings and that town houses in
Hattersheim have a better connection to the Kindergarten.
Carina
doesn’t listen anymore.
doesn’t listen anymore.
She
desires to be alone.
desires to be alone.
To lay
on the big wooden bed between fresh white sheets.
on the big wooden bed between fresh white sheets.
To
browse through magazines until the first light of the new year enters
the room.
browse through magazines until the first light of the new year enters
the room.
The
imagination to be able to do all this without being forced to
explain, causes euphoria.
imagination to be able to do all this without being forced to
explain, causes euphoria.
Poor
people, she thinks and looks into faces with engraved compromises.
people, she thinks and looks into faces with engraved compromises.
„Please
don’t be angry, but I’m leaving now.“
don’t be angry, but I’m leaving now.“
Six
pair of eyes become astonished.
pair of eyes become astonished.
„But
you can’t go home now! The party just begins to rock!“
you can’t go home now! The party just begins to rock!“
She
smiles and tries to make her sorrow sound believable.
smiles and tries to make her sorrow sound believable.
„Poor
Carina“, Sybille says to the investment banker and touches her
belly. „Has to go home alone.“
Carina“, Sybille says to the investment banker and touches her
belly. „Has to go home alone.“
Both
nod and carry the dirty plates into the kitchen.
nod and carry the dirty plates into the kitchen.
With a
lot of noise they not only wash the dishes, but also try to wipe away
their yearning.
lot of noise they not only wash the dishes, but also try to wipe away
their yearning.
On the
street Carina takes a deep breath.
street Carina takes a deep breath.
Cold air flows freshly into every litte corner of her breast.
A lightened sign of the subway guides her through the night.
And
while her heels crash the last ice-crystals a warm feeling rises up
in her body.
while her heels crash the last ice-crystals a warm feeling rises up
in her body.
Sure –
again a New Year’s Eve and she doesn’t know her future.
again a New Year’s Eve and she doesn’t know her future.
Maybe
she will be a seeker all life long.
she will be a seeker all life long.
But
one thing she knows for sure and she turns her head for a short look
back:
one thing she knows for sure and she turns her head for a short look
back:
this definitely is not what she wants.
And
supported by the
salving knowledge never to be forced to, a big smile enters her face
and she begins to run towards the lights.
supported by the
salving knowledge never to be forced to, a big smile enters her face
and she begins to run towards the lights.
Translation of the short story Silvester that I won a regional award for literature for in 2007